Friday, March 25, 2016

Utterly delicious, super yummy, delectable as all heck Chocolate Chip Cookies

I want to share a simple but amazing recipe for chocolate chip cookies. One of the best things about these cookies is that you can add nuts, extra chocolate, candy chunks or anything to it to switch it up or keep it basic for the best cookie you'll ever eat.

Begin with a cup of butter. Butter needs to be room temp. A big mistake people make is microwaving their butter to soften it and using melted butter.

Melted butter makes the cookie flatten. Hard butter doesn't blend enough. So leave your butter out in the kitchen for an hour or more so it can get  little softer but not melted.

After you find your demon sticking his fingers in the butter and then licking those fingers, get another cup of butter out and hide it under an upside down bowl. Let it get to room temperature.

In a bowl... well, first find a clean bowl. If your cousin has been washing the dishes because you do all the cooking and it's just fair, then first wash all your bowls and utensils and rinse the glassware under hot water. Then dry a bowl and add 3/4 cup white sugar and 3/4 cup of brown sugar. Add your butter and cream it. That means mix it well till it's beautifully blended, even if you have to dance around your kitchen trying to get away from a demon who wants "just a little taste. Come on Thea, what will it hurt?"

Yeah, I've heard that line before, Mister.

You want to add two eggs. If you open the fridge and discover that the carton of 18 eggs that you bought two days ago is missing, then you carefully place your bowl down, threaten your demon and go to find your damned cousin to ask what happened to the eggs.

After you find your cousin in her workroom with your eggs and discover that she's been poking holes in the shells with a needle and trying to empty the innards so she can have the intact shell to work with... and you scream a little... and then she reluctantly gives you the last two  eggs which are mercifully fine, you go back to the kitchen and find the damned demon ate your bowl of butter.

Take a deep breath. That's very important at this point.

Take the last of the butter and again hide it under the bowl to come to room temperature. Leave the eggs out since you want them at room temp too. Take a hot shower because it's very calming and being calm means everyone lives another day.

Play a game or two of candy crush.

Go back to the kitchen and find that mother fucking demon standing at the counter eating scrambled eggs using the last of your butter and eggs.

Go to the store.

Buy this:

 Drink your dinner.


Saturday, March 19, 2016

Coven

I'm going to write a handbook on how to live with a demon.It's not that much different than living with Lou.

Except for the hotness. I don't want to fuck Louise. I really want to fuck Nick.

Louise really wants to fuck Nick.

Maxie really wants to fuck Nick.

Thank you CTL for offering to buy my tarts. I didn't know such nice people would visit this blog. I'm sure any blog visitors would want to fuck Nick also.

Maxie (bless her heart) was able to take a lot of the tarts off my hands. She sold them at a discount so I lost money but at least not all of it. And Nick had plenty of tarts left to eat. My demon has a sweet tooth.

Not that he's my demon. I mean, I don't think of him that way. Well I do think of him that way but only in the hotness way. I want to fuck him, I don't want to have him for a boyfriend or anything.

"Whatever he is, send me a dozen," Maxie said when she first laid eyes on him.

"That can be arranged," Nick said and waggled his eyebrows at her.

"No it can't." I grabbed Maxie's arm. "He's bad news with a big bad. Not a nice guy at all."

"Demons usually aren't," Maxie said and I felt my jaw hit the ground.

"What?"

"Did you say demon?" Lou asked. She looked at me in shock.

"You witches are so naive," Nick said. "Don't you even know your own coven leader?"

"What coven?" Lou asked.

"Oh boy." Maxie sighed and looked at Nick. "I was hoping they might figure it out by now..."

"They conjured me with a brownie recipe," Nick said. "Maybe you can help them although they're pretty helpless."

"That's rude," I said.

"Sit down," Maxie said. Without thinking both Lou and I sat. I can't speak for Louise but I realized that I didn't hesitate when Maxie ordered me to sit, I just did it.

Maxie took her time: making tea and placing tarts on plates and we sat docile. It was bizarre. I was getting an inkling of what true witchcraft was and it wasn't anything that I thought. Did Grandma have this kind of power? Could we?

"Your grandmother was a member of my coven," Maxie said sitting down. "I hoped you'd both start to realize that witchcraft is real but apparently even with a demon under your roof you aren't quite cluing in. So here's the thing: there's only one coven in this town and I run it. You don't have to join but it's a good idea especially since you don't know what you're doing yet. And it might take a lot of help to  help with your extermination problem."

"You mean the Velez sisters?" I asked.

"She means Hell hunk," Lou said. "So what exactly is a coven?"

"It's a sorority of witches," Maxie explained, "without college, living together, dorm mothers or bad dates with athletes. Just women sharing recipes, in a sense. Although our recipes are spells. And in some cases, we pitch in for larger problems that need stronger magic."

"Like him?" I indicated Nick who was sitting on my counter eating his third tart.

"Just give me a little assignment and I'll be out of your hair."

"Begone demon." I liked to say it and he never left.

Maxie turned slightly and made a noise that sounded like 'pfft!' while snapping her fingers. He disappeared immediately.

"Count me in," Lou said.

"Me too."

Maxie smiled. "Wonderful. And while we're at it, we can start your training tomorrow."

Thursday, March 17, 2016

The Pterodactyl Girls

Two hundred limoncello tarts.

That's what I have in my kitchen. Two hundred limoncello tarts.

They're so beautiful, my little tarts. The crusts are a golden brown and flaky in such a way that Betty Crocker would cream her white, cotton panties. The custard is perfect with that wonderful sweet tartness and each one is topped with caramelized lemon peel that gently swirls and then folds  over.

They're art. Pure art.

I should have known when I saw the name of the customers that I was going to get screwed. Maggie and Meggie Velez, aka the Pterodactyl Sisters. I didn't nickname them, it was the boys at Central Junior College. The Velez sisters became very well known for their proclivity in a certain sexual arena that brought on the nickname.

They hate me.

I was in the culinary school, I worked in the bakery part time and my specialty was pumpkin, cream cheese, chocolate chip cookies. I made them by sheets, I lived infused by the scent of pumpkin for two years. But our little bakery helped fund the program and I was glad to do my part.

I body shamed Meggie. I didn't mean to and it truly wasn't done in meanness. She had come into the bakery for the second time in an hour, she'd bought a bag of cookies previously. This time she was with a man, another student. Meggie is a heavy gal... what do I say without sounding judgmental? Meggie probably weighs about 350 pounds and she's maybe 5'1". She's big. She was big back then. The fella she came into the bakery with was big.

I said, "Back again? You must love my cookies."

She filed a formal complaint with the head of the culinary program, with student affairs and the dean asking that I be expelled for body shaming her. I thought she just liked my cookies.

I wasn't expelled, nothing untoward happened. Truthfully, I mostly forgot about it and when I've thought of the sister usually I giggle because I imagine their arms flap-flap-flapping as they fap-fap-fap their fellas....

but I digress.

My friend Maxie Black owns Chocolate Designs and she so graciously gives me space in one of her display cases and allows me to sell my desserts in the attempts to get catering gigs. She took the order for the tarts. When I saw who was ordering them I was a little shamed, a little amused but mostly relieved that the past was dead and done.

My mistake.

The tarts were due at noon today and they canceled the order at ten. They knew the tarts would be finished. They knew they cost me money and time. They hadn't placed a deposit because we ask for pre-payment only for orders over two hundred...my stupid.

Fucked over by the fappers.

So I stood in my kitchen with tears in my eyes looking at my beautiful tarts and Nick walked in. He looked at me, looked at the pastries and then walked to the counter, took one and bit into it.

"Mmm, tart," he said, "just like the bitches who ordered it."

Oh, that bastard. I am so tempted. So very tempted. Imagine the Velez sister waking up tomorrow with a nice little curse that any dick they touch will immediately go limp. For the rest of their lives, only flaccid penises in their nasty little hands.

I'm so very tempted.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Demon's Kiss



I woke up in the worst mood, it almost felt like being hung over except without the pleasure of alcohol. Or friends. Or sweet little glasses filled with sweet concoctions like Cosmopolitans or Lemon Drops or Demon Kisses.

A Demon’s Kiss:

1 and ½ shot of Godiva chocolate liqueur
1 and ½ shot crème de cacao
1 shot vodka
2 shots half and half
Top with a shot of whipped cream and drizzle some chocolate syrup on top.

Instead I was headachey, body-achey and bitchy.
I stumbled down to the kitchen to find my coffee pot with a layer of burnt coffee stewing on the bottom, an empty bottle of my Irish Cream creamer and my demon and cousin sitting at the table looking too friendly and much too satisfied with life and each other.
“Seriously?” I growled. “You fuck with my coffee after you obviously fucked with each other. You’re both tacky, you know that?”
“Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed,” Lou said.
“No,” Nick said, looking me over carefully, “she woke up without her demon and she’s feeling empty. Come to Papa, poppet, and I’ll make you feel better.”
“You’re disgusting.” I turned the faucet as hot as it could go and stuck my coffee pot underneath.
“I didn’t sleep with the demon, Bitcherella,” Lou said coming up and taking the pot from me. “Go sit down. I’ll make you some breakfast and you can return to your normal whiny self.”
“I’m not whiny.” I cringed at the whiny sound of my voice and then shot a nasty glance at Nick who was looking much too smug. “Go back to Hell Demon. Nobody wants you here.”
“Ha. Prove it. You look like a woman who was longing for some demon loving last night and slept alone instead. I can cure you of that.”
“No woman wants to sleep with a smug man,” Lou said, “not to mention such a cheeseball. You ever get laid with those lines?”
Nick shrugged. “I look like this Louise. I can get laid easily.”
“Ever get laid after a woman knows you?” I asked.
Scored! He didn’t answer. In fact, he looked distinctly uncomfortable and I almost felt bad. That lasted half a second.
“So what’s the deal Lou?” I asked. I was done with demons. “Why the hell did you summon this douche from hell? Grandma did not put anything in her grimoire that suggested this would be a good idea.”
“How would you know?” She cracked an egg into the pan on the stove. “You haven’t spent any time looking through it. You’ve just been all about starting your baking blog and your cookbook.”
“Seriously?” I bit back a sharp retort. I’d been working for years trying to get some sort of recognition as a baker, to make a living doing what I loved and I was just starting to get a small swell in income from word of mouth. Surely she knew how important this was for me.
“Don’t get that look.” Lou pointed the spatula at me. “I thought we were in this together and you’ve been all about everything but this. And I wanted to see if something could work. My business is failing, my best friend is locked in her room moaning over buttercream and I thought a demon could help. So sue me.”
Damn it.
I hated when I couldn’t be angry at someone else when things suck.
“Where’s the coffee?” was all I said.
Nick was suspiciously quiet while Lou made eggs and toast and a new pot of coffee. It was only when I was eating and they had refreshed their cups that he finally spoke.
“Maybe I can solve both your problems,” he ventured.
Lou placed her mug on the table as I laid my fork carefully on the plate. We looked at each other and then both turned our gazes to the delectable demon at our table.
“Big man gonna make it better for the widdle women?” Lou said in a high voice.
“Will you use your big demon-y penis to solve our problems?” I batted my eyelashes.
“We can make you a sandwich when you’re all done.”
“Thank goodness we have a strong man to do our thinking for us.”
“You can flex now and our girly parts will get all damp for you.” I snorted when Lou said it and she dissolved into giggles.
“No wonder you both sleep alone.” Nick folded his arms across his chest. “You’re both ball busters.”
“We can fix our own problems,” I said pointedly.
“Girl power,” Lou added.
Nick stood and despite everything, there was a little girly squee of delight at looking at him. “I’m going into the garage and I’m going to pretend to do something with a hammer. Don’t bother me unless you change your minds and want sex or demonic help.”
“We do not want demonic help,” I said and looked at Lou who nodded in agreement. I think we both knew we couldn’t lie convincingly enough to suggest we wouldn’t want sex with him.
Instead we both grabbed our coffee mugs and tried to let the caffeine soothe our frazzled nerves.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Day Two



I will never speak to Lou again. I swear it. And this time I mean it.
Nick won’t leave.
“I don’t want a demon, go back to Hell or Demon-ville or wherever you hang out.”
“No can do beautiful.” He had followed me into my bedroom and was lying on my bed looking much too yummy. Nobody had ever looked that good in that bed before and that ridiculous since he had so much masculine hotness among my pink and yellow comforter and pillows.
“Until I make something happen here, I’m stuck with you.” He cocked an eyebrow. “I’m sure you can think of something you’d like me to do.”
“Like go away?” I offered.
“Nope.” He grinned and my stomach flipped. “Why don’t you come over here and we can put our heads together. Or maybe some other body parts.”
“Wow, that is so not tempting.”
“That’s why you’re getting pink? You’re a lousy liar Thea.” He flexed into a sitting position and I swear my vagina moaned. “Until you assign me something nice and devilish you’re stuck with me. Isn’t there someone you want me to put a little Hell into. Maybe even Louise? I could screw with her workshop or make all her earrings turn her customer’s ears green. If you like we could just give her a nasty yeast infection right before her next date.”
He was so tempting. I wanted to say yes to anything. Yes, let’s give Lou an infection and turn her vagina green. Let’s mess up her workshop by having sex on every available surface.
Anything.
But I couldn’t.
So I did my best to ignore the sexiest demon alive… or dead or whatever he was, and write a blog post.
Which is what I’m still trying to do.
I’m afraid to turn around and see what Nick is doing right now.
I’m so tempted.
So very, very tempted.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Death by Chocolate Brownies



I was so excited about starting this blog: I probably went through my recipe books a dozen times trying to decide which would be the best to start with. Sour cream and apple cake was a strong contender followed by pineapple crown cake or maybe maple bacon doughnuts.
Ultimately Death by Chocolate brownies won because nothing says happy woman more than double delightful dark chocolate brownies. And I figured maybe chocolate would translate into a few people reading the blog.
It was a great idea except my recipe disappeared. It should have been in the blue binder where all the multiple chocolate recipes are. (The green binder is veggie dishes, red is for meats and blue, orange and purple are all desserts. I just bought a yellow one for soups but that’s for another blog post.)
If a recipe goes missing, the first place to look for it would obviously be the kitchen. So I left the computer and wandered down to the beginning of the end of my normal life.
I’m not being dramatic either.
The kitchen looked like a hurricane swept through which it might have if the hurricane was named Lou. My cousin Louise Sherry Stone, also my roommate (co-owner of the house our Grandmother left us) and the bane of my existence. Oh I love Lou, I really do but she’s a mess and leaves one always in her wake.
She had obviously attempted to make my brownies but left in the middle of the making. There was melted chocolate in a bowl and on the counter, there was my flour canister opened with a spoon sticking out and the good better sitting on the kitchen island softening around the edges.
Do you know how much the good stuff costs? Thank God I hide the Tahitian vanilla.
I should have left it for Lou to clean up but that woman approaches housework the same way she treats anything inconvenient: ignore it and someone else will ultimately take care of it.
That someone is usually me.
So yes, I started to clean up the mess and since the brownies could still be made I figured why not? I got my camera and took pictures as I creamed the butter and egg, added the ingredients. This was how the Pioneer Woman started and who wouldn’t want to be that popular (as well as married to a rancher and have her kitchen?)
There was a mixture in my yellow bowl that I dipped my finger into and tasted. It had melted bitter chocolate and a slight licorice taste. I’m not a licorice fan but Lou must have wanted to add the taste for some reason. So I mixed it in.
Bake at 325 for 30 minutes or until an inserted knife comes out clean so I washed bowls and cleaned the kitchen and then downloaded my photos until the timer dinged.
You know that moment when you pull something out of the oven and it smells so good and you just made it and there’s nothing to clean because it’s all done and put away so all there is, is you and the delish smelling thing and it just needs to be cooled a little off then you can cut it and eat it, or in this case lay it on a pretty plate, take a picture for the blog and then eat it?
Yeah, that moment.
I didn’t get to know it either.
“Smells great,” said a deep rumbly voice in the kitchen where I’d been alone one second before.
I screeched and dropped the pan of brownies except they didn’t fall, they stopped in the air and just waited while the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen hopped off the counter where he hadn’t been a second ago and picked the pan out of the air and put it on the kitchen island.
“Who the hell are you?” I might have squeaked at that point because Mr. Gorgeous should have been writhing on the floor with burnt hands and instead he was looking down at me with a smile.
“Appropriate question, I suppose. Especially the Hell part. You can call me Nick. You summoned me. Here I am. What’s up mistress?”
I was up. Didn’t pass out from shock which was quite an accomplishment.
“What are you talking about?” I definitely squeaked at that point.
“You summoned me,” Nick said. “The ingredients in the brownies, the charm.”
“God damn her!”
So maybe at this point I should mention that Grandma was a practicing witch which she learned from her Grandmother from ‘the old country’. Said country was Russia and as far as I know the family were potato farmers and beet eaters with the occasional horse thief thrown in. But Grandma loved her magic and swore it passed down to every other generation so Lou and/or I was bound to be touched.
Lou believed her. I didn’t. Except that I had a six foot, dark haired, blue eyed, get a woman damp in the panties hunk of supreme better than real manhood standing in my kitchen who hadn’t been there a minute before.
“Louise!” I screamed.
She had probably been in her workshop because she came in a moment later with that slightly glazed look in her eyes which meant she’d been using the glue and she stopped dead still and stared at Nick.
“Are you….”
He looked at her disinterestedly. Most men looked very interested when Lou walked in a room, she’s one of those perfect redheads with the alabaster skin and wavy hair and the bitch is taller and thinner than anyone who comes from peasant farmer stock has a right to be.
I’m short and dark and could easily still be in the field picking potatoes.
Bitch.
“I knew it,” Lou crowed. “I called a demon. Oh my God, I did it.” She fist-bumped and danced in place. “Woo-hoo. Go me. I got a live one. I rock. Yay Louise.”
“Is she always like this?” Nick asked.
“Unfortunately,” I answered. “Um, excuse me Lou but do you want to tell me what the hell you were thinking by calling a demon?”
“It was in Gram’s grimoire,” Lou said. She couldn’t stop grinning. “It said that you can call a demon using a simple spell and ingredients and he has to grant you one wish. If you promise to release him immediately, there should be no repercussions. And it worked. Thea, it worked.” She grabbed my upper arms and squeezed. “I can use him to get the concession at the boutique and get my jewelry out of the craft fairs and into higher society.”
Of course. Lou had been working her ass off trying to find someone who would take a chance on carrying her designs. Only she would think that a demon was the answer.
“Louise Stone,” I said exasperated, “there’s no way this isn’t going to bite you in the ass. Demons always come with repercussions. And wishes are never granted without karma coming to do some harm. Are you nuts?”
She took a step back and looked at me like I was a vegetable trying to squeeze onto her dessert plate. “Whatever Thea. I should have known you’d discourage me. Come on Demon, we got some work to do.”
She turned and Nick watched her as she started out of the kitchen. He didn’t move. I didn’t move. I was pissed and hurt and worried. And pissed. Okay, I was really pissed.
Lou tossed her hair. “Are you coming?” she asked Nick.
“No.” He turned away casually and grabbed a knife. I took a deep breath, demons and knives usually spelled out bloodbaths. Instead he cut a square of brownie and lifted it from the pan and took a bite. We were staring at him like we’d never seen someone eat before. Then again, watching someone that handsome eat a brownie with obvious enjoyment was something that one rarely does see.
He was the definition of ‘oh my’.
Bite me George Takai.
“I summoned you,” Lou said.
“Not really.” Nick licked a crumb off his lower lip and my heart stuttered. “You started the spell but Thea finished it. She mixed it and cooked it and it was her recipe anyway. I’m her Demon, not yours.”
Oh shit.
Some days it doesn’t pay to go for the brownies, after all.

 Death by Chocolate Brownies:


4 tablespoons plus 1 teaspoon unsalted butter
1/4 cup plus 1 teaspoon flour
2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 ounces unsweetened chocolate, broken into 1/2-ounce pieces
2 ounces semisweet chocolate, broken into 1/2-ounce pieces
3 eggs
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon Tahitian vanilla
1/4 cup sour cream
4 ounces chocolate chunks

Preheat oven to 325 degrees .  Coat a 9 by 1 1/2-inch cake pan with 1 teaspoon of butter. Flour the pan with 1 teaspoon of flour, shaking out the excess.

Mix together 1/4 cup flour, 2 tablespoons cocoa, 1 teaspoon baking powder, and 1/2 teaspoon salt onto waxed paper. Set aside.

Heat 1-inch of water in the bottom half of a double boiler over medium heat. Place 3 ounces unsweetened chocolate, 4 tablespoons butter, and 2 ounces semisweet chocolate in the top half of the double boiler. Heat for 4 1/2 to 5 minutes, remove from the heat, and stir until smooth.
 
Mix 3 eggs, 1 cup sugar, and 1 teaspoon vanilla. Whisk on high speed until slightly thickened, about 1 1/2 minutes. Add the melted chocolate mixture into the egg mixture and whisk on medium for 30 seconds. Add the dry ingredients, whisk on low for 10 seconds, then on medium for 10 seconds. Add the sour cream and whisk on medium for 5 seconds.

Remove the bowl from the mixer and use a rubber spatula to thoroughly combine ( also add and combine 4 ounces chocolate chunks ).

Pour the brownie batter into the prepared cake pan, spreading evenly. Bake the brownie for 30 minutes, until toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Allow to cool in the pan at room temperature for 5 minutes.