The Pterodactyl Girls

Two hundred limoncello tarts.

That's what I have in my kitchen. Two hundred limoncello tarts.

They're so beautiful, my little tarts. The crusts are a golden brown and flaky in such a way that Betty Crocker would cream her white, cotton panties. The custard is perfect with that wonderful sweet tartness and each one is topped with caramelized lemon peel that gently swirls and then folds  over.

They're art. Pure art.

I should have known when I saw the name of the customers that I was going to get screwed. Maggie and Meggie Velez, aka the Pterodactyl Sisters. I didn't nickname them, it was the boys at Central Junior College. The Velez sisters became very well known for their proclivity in a certain sexual arena that brought on the nickname.

They hate me.

I was in the culinary school, I worked in the bakery part time and my specialty was pumpkin, cream cheese, chocolate chip cookies. I made them by sheets, I lived infused by the scent of pumpkin for two years. But our little bakery helped fund the program and I was glad to do my part.

I body shamed Meggie. I didn't mean to and it truly wasn't done in meanness. She had come into the bakery for the second time in an hour, she'd bought a bag of cookies previously. This time she was with a man, another student. Meggie is a heavy gal... what do I say without sounding judgmental? Meggie probably weighs about 350 pounds and she's maybe 5'1". She's big. She was big back then. The fella she came into the bakery with was big.

I said, "Back again? You must love my cookies."

She filed a formal complaint with the head of the culinary program, with student affairs and the dean asking that I be expelled for body shaming her. I thought she just liked my cookies.

I wasn't expelled, nothing untoward happened. Truthfully, I mostly forgot about it and when I've thought of the sister usually I giggle because I imagine their arms flap-flap-flapping as they fap-fap-fap their fellas....

but I digress.

My friend Maxie Black owns Chocolate Designs and she so graciously gives me space in one of her display cases and allows me to sell my desserts in the attempts to get catering gigs. She took the order for the tarts. When I saw who was ordering them I was a little shamed, a little amused but mostly relieved that the past was dead and done.

My mistake.

The tarts were due at noon today and they canceled the order at ten. They knew the tarts would be finished. They knew they cost me money and time. They hadn't placed a deposit because we ask for pre-payment only for orders over two hundred...my stupid.

Fucked over by the fappers.

So I stood in my kitchen with tears in my eyes looking at my beautiful tarts and Nick walked in. He looked at me, looked at the pastries and then walked to the counter, took one and bit into it.

"Mmm, tart," he said, "just like the bitches who ordered it."

Oh, that bastard. I am so tempted. So very tempted. Imagine the Velez sister waking up tomorrow with a nice little curse that any dick they touch will immediately go limp. For the rest of their lives, only flaccid penises in their nasty little hands.

I'm so very tempted.